It's almost Christmas.....

Ten days until Christmas, three months till I'm 40.


I have signed up to take two classes for the Spring 2011 semester and hopefully will qualify for a May graduation.  I will have to take my final class over the Summer to meet the graduation requirements.


I ran the Women's Running Magazine Half Marathon on November 21st, in St. Petersburg, Florida, I got a 2:37:58, the EXACT same time as my El Paso Half Marathon time this past March.  I signed up to run a Half Marathon in Las Cruces this Saturday, this time I will not have anyone to pace me so I'll see what my actual personal best time is... I hope I can get a Personal Record "PR".  I am thinking I may try and do a Half a Month.  So I am considering doing the Phoenix Rock & Roll Half in January and the New Orleans Rock & Roll Half in February, then the El Paso Half in March.  We'll see.


On January 22d I am hosting a home jewelry sales party at my house, I'm calling it a Red Carpet Jewerly Gala...A Night of Glitter, Glam & Glitz!  That has me thinking I may want to host a home sales party a month too.  Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, Avon, Home and Garden etc.


I visited the Veterans Home today with my unit, it was so nice to visit with these elderly heros, I never realized how they appreciate visitors.  I'm thinking I'd like to get Sir Arthur certified as a service dog and take him for visits to the retirees.


I've also been selected as the local Warrant Officer Association Chapter President.  I am looking forward to getting more WO's involved.


I'm all decorated for Christmas and really appreciating the small things that come with the season.

Love vs Infatuation

I asked my friend today what is love and how can you tell it is love vs infatuation.  He said it's love if you are willing to keep working at the relationship even after the infatuation wears away.  I know that is not a whole definition, but, I think maybe it has a little truth in it.  They say infatuation rarely last longer than a year and in order for the relationship to work it has to be replaced by "true love".  


God wants us to love others the way he loves us... Agape love. ( 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 ) It is impossible to love like God loves, He is perfect and forgiving in a way humans can never be.  Oh, but if we could, right?  I think we get glimpses of Gods love for us in our interactions with others.  


Love is patient, kind, truthful, unselfish, trusting, believing, hopeful, and enduring.  It is not jealous, boastful, arrogant, rude, selfish, or angry.  True love never fails.  This is the way God loves... I want that.


With that being said, I think you can love multiple people over a lifetime, but can love, man/woman love, be abused... hence the infatuation vs love.

What's normal

As I try to live my day to day life, I think I am healed, I am okay, I am a survivor.... I'm past my past.  Now, that I am dating.  I feel crazy, I don't know what is "normal" behavior in a relationship.  That makes me very angry, angry that I wasted my life for so long in an emotionally abusive crazy relationship.  What is normal in a relationship?

I don't need a man, I need a champion...

I don't want anything less than the best, the best for me, my best, may not be the same as someone else's best.  I want a man that loves me as much as I love him.  I want him to encourage me as much as I encourage him.  I want him to have as much ambition for me as I have for him.  Someone that is a champion for L.O.V.E.   I wish I could put this into words without sounding like a crazy girl.  I will champion for someone that is a champion for me, not because of a obligation, but because of wanting the best for each other...  That's an element of Love with the capital "L".

List of ten things to do in lieu of Homework

1.   Search for long lost elementary school friends on Facebook
2.   Watch a Married With Children 24 hour marathon on TV
3.   Clean the grout in the shower
4.   Pull weeds by hand from the grass
5.   Shop for rare Indian spices on the internet
6.   Organize my coat closet
7.   Rent a steam cleaner and clean the carpets
8.   Paint my dog's toenails
9.   Bake a cake
10.  Try and master the art of liquid eyeliner to look like Kat Von D

The other side of the story

How come when people meet someone and hear their story about divorce, it always seems like it was clearly the other person's fault and the person you are speaking to was clearly jilted.

In my case, I firmly believe that I did everything I could to try and foster a happy marriage that was irreconcilable.

I rarely meet someone that I don't feel sorry for the situation they were dealt in marriage.  I think it's because society's general belief is that marriage is sacred and any marriage that dissolves is a tragedy, no mater what side they are on.  But, there are always two sides to every story.

I kinda want to know what the other side of the story is; especially the other side of my story.

Being Straight

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but dating is hard.  It's even harder as a Christian, which is exponentially harder if you are trying to be celibate.  Even Christian men do not feel like waiting.  They do not want to take the time to see if there is something there, something more than sex.  

I love sex, I am not bragging when I say that I'm amazing at sex, well, I have an amazing time and it seems as though men enjoy me.  But, in today's society, we all want it now, try it on first without the commitment.  

I want the next time I have sex to be mind blowing fantastic... because it is a shared gift with my husband.  I want sex to be reserved for one man.  Like the Song of Solomon, I want it to be sensual.

I do not want to have casual sex, I've tried that, it made me feel horrible about myself and it rarely ever turned into a real relationship.  So I believe the goal for these men was to conquer another one.  The more I've been dating lately, the more I become more steadfast in this ideal, because when it does not turn out the way I would have liked, it is easier to let go, I'm not as heartbroken.

Okay, so I may never get married again, I guess that's okay, because right now, I'm in no hurry to get married... But I want to someday, to someone that loves me.

Till then, I still have a bunch of good things about being single.  (See previous post) 

The stool is not big enough for two

Sunday's message at church was about commitment.  I realize I have difficulty with commitment (commitment issues) in my walk.  I get gung-ho and then I take my eyes off.  Like when Peter got out of the boat, HE WAS WALKING ON WATER!!!!  Look what you can do if you have faith, trust and keep your eyes on Him.  I get in the way of myself, I think I have to intervene in what He is doing in my life. 

They showed a video, that was so revealing.  It was a woman with a stool and Jesus.  She told Jesus He could sit on the stool and make her decisions.  But, then when her friend came along, she quickly sat on the stool and committed to doing what her friend wanted.  Then Jesus asked her, if she wanted the stool back so she could be in control and she apologetically offered the stool back to Him.  Then when He sat on the stool, and she was confronted with decisions she started to try and find a way onto the stool in conjunction with Jesus.  Eventually she was hanging around His back, piggyback style, trying to provide her input to the decision making process.  Jesus kept offering the stool back but she refused and finally Jesus asked her to make up her mind.

I know we all do this, I am an expert at taking back control, I offer it away, then try and take it back after I have given it up.  I have to look at what Jesus is capable of doing in my life if I keep my eyes on Him.  Maybe one day I will be able to walk on water.

Advantages of being single

Just a few reasons why it's good to be single.

1.  I can come home when ever I want
2.  I can go where ever, with who ever I want
3.  I can talk on the phone to who I want for as long as I want
4.  I am in control of the remote
5.  I can save or spend as I like, I want shoes, I get shoes
6.  I can cook (or not) and eat a meal without meat
7.  I can spread out in the bed and use as many (or few) covers as I want
8.  I can go see chick flicks as soon as they come out
9.  I can call a repairman to fix or install things, or just do it myself
10.  I have gal pals and my moma

Book Review..... "No Sex in the City" by Lindsey N. Isham

For something new, I just finished a book written by Lindsey N. Isham, No Sex in the City; One Virgin's Confession on Love, Lust, Dating, and Waiting. Very well written and challenging for a woman, me, who is trying to start a new way of life. I have every mental intent to be abstinent until I remarry (if ever). The problem is, as Lindsey so eloquently explains, society doesn't live that way anymore.

When I tell men that I intend to wait, they don't call again or look at me like I have three eyes.

The interesting thing about her book is that she is a beautiful, gorgeous thirty something who is fighting societal norms to follow Gods advise for relationships and seeks His ways for selecting a mate. She provides her tips on finding a Godly mate and how to date without compromising her morals. It is a short, quick read, written with a witty humor and based on Biblical principals. I applaud Lindsey for her courage of convictions and the mental fortitude to live outside of societal norms. She challenges society to approach relationships with God colored glasses versus rose colored glasses.

The largest challenge from living this type of life is the small percentage of men who live a Christian life, then finding one who you are compatible with who could potentially be a mate. Many say they are "Christian" but they are not walking a Christian walk. Reading Lindsey's book has bolstered my courage to continue to try to live in abstinence.

Just a crush...

Why do I so completely fall for silver tongued devils? I think I trust too easily and if I am guarded, I'm accused of blaming "him" for all my past relationship mistakes. How do you not keep your guard up so you don't get burned again?

Why do you wear a seatbelt? You know you are a good driver right, you just don't know about anyone else on the roads. That is why one must have some type of personal protective gear in relationships.

There are clues I'm looking for to determine if I am dating the right guy. The thing is, men will date a woman until something better comes along, women who go on more than three dates think the man is relationship material.

Another thing is, men regret the women they didn't, women regret the men they did. I'm tired of having regrets.

So what doesn't work for me:

Angry, porn addicted, non-Christian, insensitive, road raging, indecisive, lying, cheating, booger/scab eating, lazy men... I should be able to find one without these character flaws right?

If not, I'm better off without one.

Love

What is love in relationships? Is love unique? Can it be had with anyone? So far, for me, love has only been for a season. Of course, I loved my Ex's, apparently I thought I could not live without them, I thought we were good matches.

I have had one love, that I think will be through all time, but that can never be.

What if I'm in love right now, how can I differentiate it from a crush? What if the person is everything you you ever wanted in a man? What if you are happier than you thought you could be?

I think my mind plays tricks on me, "well, I've been here before and it didn't work out", am I really feeling what I'm feeling or is this some sick mind game happening in my head. How can I trust what I'm feeling? How do you know? At what point do you just let go and trust the feelings of the moment?

Far Away

Why do I feel so far away from what I want most?

Lately, I have been feeling so far away from God. I have always felt a general sense of His Presence or the Holy Spirit, even when I was most undeserving and hiding in the darkness.

I feel like I am checking off the list of Godly things to do (if there were a list, I know there is not one.) I pray, surround my self with Christian friends, go to Church & Bible Studies. Talked to my girlfriend about why I feel so disconnected from Him.

I have not tithed in well over a year, I feel bad about that. I can afford it now, I couldn't in the past, I do feel like that is keeping me at arms length. To be honest, I have not been prayerfully reading my Bible, except in rare circumstances.

I have to find a way to cut out time to spend in HIS presence, then maybe HE will spend time in mine.

Gal Pals

I love my gal pals! Women in your life come and go, but right now I have a group I am especially fond of. We make a point of trying to get together and just do something girly. Last night we had some new gals in the group, they blended perfectly, I mean, why wouldn't they? We went to eat a lovely dinner and to see Sex and the City 2. We dressed in our glittery best and boy, we turned a few heads ;) It was fun, I love just sitting around and talking to the girls. It is so crucial to a woman's well being to have gal pals. I have some amazing ones.

An Amazing Life

I want an amazing life, I want to be proud of myself and my actions. I've been really thinking about how I will be held accountable at the end and although I am forgiven, I don't want anything else to be ashamed of. I know I will fail in many ways, but I want to be the best person I can be.

The good thing is I am very happy right now.... there are two potential reasons, or maybe they are combined... I don't want to share right now...

High Hopes

So what are the dating rules. Kissing on the first date? Is it okay for a girl to call after the first date? One of the guys at work says all those rules are "Games" girls play and that it could be confused as being on the "expressway to friendville". But, really, do I want to be with a guy that won't call me because I didn't kiss? Or does a guy think that I'm not interested because I don't kiss? Dating is hard.

If he want's to see or talk to me he will, right?

Down in the Dumps

I have really been busy the last few weeks. My Great Aunt and Uncle from Australia came and stayed with me last weekend, I have been behind on homework, going out with girlfriends, chatting with them on the phone. How is it that I can be so busy and still be so deep in the dumps? I can't see the forrest through the trees, I know, this too shall pass, I'll be a better person for having experienced it. It all sounds so cliche, I know it is true, but, I don't like it. I don't really have anything else to say right now.

Mothers Day

When I was a young girl I loved everything there was to love about dolls & Barbies. I loved dressing them, bathing them, feeding them, playing with them, play dates with them. I always imagined I'd grow up and be a mom. Just like my mom. My mom is a fierce protector of her girls. When I was a child she'd stay up all night with me at the hospital. And my favorite mommy time is the nights in the recliners chatting all night about everything and nothing while watching TV infomercials, classic movies, HGTV or the Food Network until past two in the morning.

Being the youngest of five girls gave me lots of opportunities to play part time mommy (Aunt) to many nieces and nephews, who most have children of their own now.

I always had a feeling that I may not be able to have kids. I used to talk about this with my High School sweetheart. Now, I have tried many times over the years to get pregnant and done little to prevent pregnancy with my ex-husbands. It caused a lot of stress for me and my first husband, I got a little obsessed with it, sought doctor assistance. We got divorced before we tried anything invasive. I never tried that hard with my second husband, he was not that interested in it. On top of that, we could never find that happy place, as a couple, that I'd want to bring a baby into. He already had his beautiful little girl, who lived with her mom, that I played part time mom with for two weeks every summer, and every other Christmas and Spring Breaks and I still love her with all my heart.

Now, I have very little hope of getting pregnant with my age and relationship status. I have been diagnosed as peri-menopausal, there's a blow to a woman fighting to stay young!

So, I woke up alone this morning, no one to jump on the bed and shower me with hugs and kisses declaring their love to me and my brilliance as a mother, no burnt toast or kitchen disaster to clean up. Just me and... Arthur, LOL, he did wake me up to tell me he was sick and needed to go outside!

I am skipping church today, because I don't want to get a carnation pinned to my shirt just because I am a woman of an age that could be a mom that and today's message is supposed to be about how a woman can be a better wife. The follow up from last weeks message, I walked out on, about how men can be better husbands.

Happy Mothers Day!

Moving on

I struggle sometimes, trying to move on. It is not because I miss him, it is because I miss what I thought I had. A make believe world of what I created in my head. I always imagined that he'd come around.

I went to church today, as I do on most Sundays, the pastor is doing a series on relationships. Today he talked about what the Husbands role in the marriage is biblically. I tried to sit there, the longer I sat there the more I felt like I was in a prison. Gulping for air, my eyes darted around trying to figure out how I'd get out of the full auditorium without being noticed. There was no way of sneaking out. I finally grabbed by coat, purse and helmet and shuffled out, of course I was sitting towards the front. I had to walk past all those rows of people looking at me. How embarrassing. I scuttled up the stairs to the Divorce Care class, I quietly joined the circle of people talking about how divorce has financially impacted them. These people understand me. I did not participate in the discussion. But, this was a far better place for me than that auditorium encouraging marriages to work where I was mortified that I could not figure out how to make mine work. Next week is the wife's role in the marriage. I think I will skip that lesson too.

The man I met last Sunday at Mulligans was a wash, apparently we are looking for different things and I'm not that kinda girl. I've met another one, we'll see.

Old Flames

I have a friend that is toying with the idea of reuniting with her ex. I can understand the desire. I have been there myself, how can I blame her. If she, or any of my friends chooses to reunite with someone, who is it for me to say. I care about my friend and her happiness, but will not risk losing a friend because we disagree about who her mate should be.

Some of the things I remind myself of when I toy with the idea of reuniting with my ex are:

Has he changed, like he promised a thousand times?

Will I feel safe about our relationship if we were together?

Would I trust him not to break my trust?

Would I have to worry about walking around on egg shells?

Would he ever be happy at work? Happy at home?

Would he stop revealing his true nature and embarrassing me in public, in front of my family or friends?

Does he really want me? or is he just lonely too?

Really I could go on and on, but I think my point is clear.

I have to caveat all the change requests with the fact that the things I wanted him to change were unhealthy in ANY relationship. Not something like too much sports or changing the oil in the car. I did not marry the guy I dated, if I'd known the way he was when we dated, I would have never married him. I can't think of too many women who would. No man is going to change his essence. He can hide it for a short while, but it is always lingering there... waiting. A person has to have a serious emotionally life changing event occur in order to really change who they are.

I am better off without him. But, I forget that, when I am lonely, that's where the reminders come in. But my friend, who is toying with the idea.... make sure it is what you really want.

On my own

It is really weird being here in El Paso, so far away from my family. You'd think living here for nearly five years that I'd have more friends. When you have a husband you don't really need friends, and the friends you do have are based on a "couple" relationship. Being in the military, your other friends move or you move. Once in a while you make friends that last. Friends that you will hop on a plane and visit. I am so thankful for those friends.

Many of my current local friends don't understand it when I say that I'm lonely. They are like come over... but it is not that simple. I do really like being at home, usually don't mind that I'm alone. But, it is hard not having a gal pal local that I can confide in, the things you only tell your deepest friends and we provide words of encouragement to each other, then we say F it, go do something.... I know, sounds weird.

So, I have been searching for a roommate and that has not been going well. Had my first perspective option come by today. I don't think she was that interested, we'll see.

I hoped on my bike this afternoon and rode up to the local biker bar/restaurant. Met a couple of fellas, one said crass things like "I like to watch you eat your french fries" then gave me his card, uh, buddy, no! The next fella was really quite interesting and we seemed seemingly compatible. He asked for my number... we'll see.

Fishy Pedi

I did not know it but getting a rare fish pedicure was on my list. It is now checked off too. It was so weird and TICKLED so bad! And on top of that, I got my first pedicure since I don't remember when. Really, I had a good day, I have made a new gal pal, too bad she lives so far away! We went to the local mall and had a great time storming all the stores. We tried on all the perfumes in all the stores, believe me we smelled good and strong. I need to get more gal pals in my life.
I posted a craigslist classified searching for a roommate. Wish me luck.
I have finally finished my personal list of Hottest Guys:
Mathew McConaughey
Jude Law
Justin Timberlake
Gerard Butler
Bradley Cooper

Mmmmmm, Delicious!

Another one down

I went to my first rally, the Tea Party, of all places.... Washington D.C. on tax day! 15 April 2010. I am deeply concerned and passionate about this cause. I feel that it is unfair that there is such a large population of people who pay no taxes... zero yet, get a large refund. Do I pay a lot of taxes? Yes, I pay my fair share. But dog gone it... everyone should pay their fair share. Fair Tax. Smaller Government. So nine more to go on the list posted below.

Oh by the way, "I've been A LITTLE AMUSED over the last couple of days where people have been having THESE RALLIES about taxes. You would think they would be saying THANK YOU," Obama said to a group of Democratic supporters who shelled out between $250 and $1250 to attend.

Someone should remind Obama that he is THE PRESIDENT he should have a little more respect for all AMERICANS, even if they disagree. Not just his supporters.

A little about me

I am the youngest of five girls from the Midwest. I had a hard time making friends during my school aged years. I have always considered myself above average in intelligence, but I was born with a birth defect on my face, a cleft lip, this caused me great consternation in school. To be brief, my fellow classmates were not kind, to the point of being cruel. Despite all this, I did fall in love with a wonderful young man during my High School years, we were deeply compatible. Honestly, I'm not at all sure why that never worked out with the exception that I went away to College and succumbed to the new found attention from other boys. The long distance and my need for attention I think destroyed our relationship. Then on a whim I joined the military. Since joining the military I have been married twice.
I have many regrets, but the biggest regret I have is that I have never learned how to be single. I never developed a sense of self identity. I have consistently sought personal validation from men. Recovering from my second divorce has been a real awakening period for me. I'll save that story for another day.
I am still trying to discover exactly who I am, determining my self identity, trying to keep it all together while I figure out how to be happy and single - on my own.

So here are ten arbitrary things I'd like to do or learn to do, in no particular order:
1. Scuba Dive
2. Macrame
3. Belly Dance
4. Sky Dive
5. Attend a National Rally/Protest for a cause
6. Learn to cook
7. Finally finish the Bible
8. Become proficient at Tennis
9. Get a trustworthy room-mate
10. Ride to Sturgis

Well, I'm not 40 yet, I'm 39

I have been terrified of turning 40 for many years now. I am still emotionally raw, recovering from an externally emotionless divorce. I was telling my gal pal about my fear of turning 40. She said that we could have a 40th birthday party and that she hoped to ask me at my birthday party how I was doing and that I'd say "I'm 40 and I've never been happier". So I am going to attempt a journey to 40, I have 11 months left. My 40th birthday is March 15, 2011, I want to find a way to be happy and single. Just me, happy with me.
So, what am I so afraid of? Well, being single, being old, being alone, aging ungracefully...wrinkles, menopause, cellulite, poor health.
So, with that all being said, I am working on "Bucket list" items. Doing things I have been interested in doing, I'm not sure I have a bucket list per say, but some of the things I have done, since my divorce in September include, skiing and running a marathon.
I went to a weekend ski trip with my singles ministry group in Riudoso, NM. I have never been skiing before in my life. I must say that I hate, HATE being cold. I took an hour long group ski lesson and could not wait for the lesson to be over because I was really getting it. Well, it turns out I was a natural! I was going down the easy "Blue" slopes without problem, I stumbled but I did not fall. -Not once. I plan to do this again soon! Well, okay, next winter.
Next, in October, I was approached about running the Bataan Death March at White Sands, NM, we practiced three times a week slowly increasing the distance until the actual race on 21 Mar 10, Our all girl team got FIRST place, we came in at 5:54 and the five of us, Violet Femmes, were awarded large medals!
I only have a few other things on my "to do" list, because I just have not thought of that many yet. But, some of them include Sky Diving, I have parachuted many times before, but never free fell from a high altitude. I would also like to learn to belly dance, and generally any other kind of dance, but specifically belly dance. I also want to learn to Scuba Dive. I am a very good swimmer and have snorkeled in Hawaii that gave me the bug.
Most of my bucket list includes travel. That limits me financially. But, in the immediate future, I plan to go on a 10 day guided Christian tour in Israel with my Christian Church group.
For now I intend to blog about my journey to 40 and how I can do this and generally become a happier person. I intend to do this through a stronger Christian walk and setting personal benchmark goals.