Yes, I am single again. I am happy with that. I struggled to make myself want to be in a relationship that I knew wasn't right for me. I am okay. I have really realized I enjoy myself. I don't have to consult with anyone about my time, my activities, my taste... anything and everything. I have a lot of things happening right now. I am trying to sell my house. I am trying to sell my things/downsize and prepare for a HUGE move. I am deploying in June for nine months and then try and figure out what I'm going to do in retirement. I am really tempted to try and settle, at least for a time, in Florida. I love the idea of living near the beach, swimming and scuba diving, travel and cruises in the Caribbean. More than anything I want to be near my parents. I can't seem to get them interested in living in Florida. But, I know I am counting my chickens before they hatch. Let me first focus on selling my house and downsizing my "things".
I am not dating at all.... it's off the table.
23 December 2011
20 July 2011
Lets give this a go...... again....
I have a BF again. =)
After much dialog with the ex BF we have decided to give it a go again. We were both very hurt by each other but we are working through it daily. Long talks and lots of compromises.
I think I am very fearful of loosing my identity. The things that I identify as who I am and what makes me who I am. The people and places. That is something hard for me to share. The thing is I feel like when I share these things I am giving them away and I might not get them back. Then I have to start over trying to find something new to identify with.
After much dialog with the ex BF we have decided to give it a go again. We were both very hurt by each other but we are working through it daily. Long talks and lots of compromises.
I think I am very fearful of loosing my identity. The things that I identify as who I am and what makes me who I am. The people and places. That is something hard for me to share. The thing is I feel like when I share these things I am giving them away and I might not get them back. Then I have to start over trying to find something new to identify with.
04 July 2011
Laughter is the best medicine
Two things that can always cheer me up and get my mind off things are America's Funniest Videos and my favorite sitcom of all time Friends.
The break up is finally a go this time. The last two break ups did not stick. But this one is working out well.
That opens my dating life wide open. I really want to be in a Christian relationship, a God centered relationship.
I'm still trying to decide if I want to do online dating like Match or Eharmony again. I don't know if it is worth the time and expense. I do like that you get a snapshot of the person.
The break up is finally a go this time. The last two break ups did not stick. But this one is working out well.
That opens my dating life wide open. I really want to be in a Christian relationship, a God centered relationship.
I'm still trying to decide if I want to do online dating like Match or Eharmony again. I don't know if it is worth the time and expense. I do like that you get a snapshot of the person.
23 June 2011
Compromised values
Each of us must decide what we are willing to compromise in order to maintain our relationships.
I'm sorry to say that I let my values slide. I let someone lie to me repeatedly. I knew they were lying, but I accepted the lies.
I questioned if I was too skeptical. Was I too judgmental, ...maybe it's me? But, really, if I am compromising my basic values it's not too skeptical or judgmental is it? Each time I gave the benefit of a doubt, I realized I should have followed my original instinct.
When things don't add up I need to follow my instincts. My instincts scream at me much earlier than my heart is willing to listen to it. I have been professionally trained to identify lies.... but, I still let people do this to me! I am shocked at myself.
In this particular case, I don't even understand how I let it go on for so long. How I let each thing I knew, deep down, was a lie pass. Each lie was ridiculous and unnecessary on it's own, like a white lie. But, the thing was, each time I accepted the lie into my life my heart broke a little more. Because I wasn't worth the truth.
What is wrong with people, what is wrong with respecting peoples basic dignity? What's wrong with just telling the truth. If people don't like you for who you are, as you are, they never will and there is no need for them to be in your life, don't lie to me to make me like you.
Retrospectively, none of the lies were white lies, they were meant to be manipulative. Each lie compounded with interest. When people lie to you it is the ultimate sign of disrespect for you as a human or companion.
Single again....
I'm sorry to say that I let my values slide. I let someone lie to me repeatedly. I knew they were lying, but I accepted the lies.
I questioned if I was too skeptical. Was I too judgmental, ...maybe it's me? But, really, if I am compromising my basic values it's not too skeptical or judgmental is it? Each time I gave the benefit of a doubt, I realized I should have followed my original instinct.
When things don't add up I need to follow my instincts. My instincts scream at me much earlier than my heart is willing to listen to it. I have been professionally trained to identify lies.... but, I still let people do this to me! I am shocked at myself.
In this particular case, I don't even understand how I let it go on for so long. How I let each thing I knew, deep down, was a lie pass. Each lie was ridiculous and unnecessary on it's own, like a white lie. But, the thing was, each time I accepted the lie into my life my heart broke a little more. Because I wasn't worth the truth.
What is wrong with people, what is wrong with respecting peoples basic dignity? What's wrong with just telling the truth. If people don't like you for who you are, as you are, they never will and there is no need for them to be in your life, don't lie to me to make me like you.
Retrospectively, none of the lies were white lies, they were meant to be manipulative. Each lie compounded with interest. When people lie to you it is the ultimate sign of disrespect for you as a human or companion.
Single again....
07 June 2011
Jaw Surgery
Last Tuesday, 31 May, I had a "Le Fort I" procedure (upper jaw surgery) to fix my cross bite. That was the whole reason why I got braces. The whole thing from start to finish was supposed to last a year and a half. I would wear the braces for a year, get my teeth all lined up, get the surgery, wear the braces another six months. I got my surgery five months ahead of schedule. So if I'm lucky, I may get my braces off by 2012!
My parents came to be supportive before and after my surgery and the most horrible thing happened. My sister's husband suddenly passed away the same day as my surgery and thankfully my parents were able to travel to Florida to visit with her.
I know my parents were torn between two of their girls in need, but they did the right thing. I would have felt horrible if I was the reason why they could not visit with my sister.
The recovery has been very painful physically and emotionally. I'm in pain, nauseous, hungry and constipated. I'm on a liquid diet for the next 4-6 weeks.
My BF has been doing his best but he has a hard time empathizing or supporting me, he doesn't understand how I feel or what I need from him. He gets frustrated easily and shuts down which causes me great frustration.
Well, I have three more weeks off, time to think, read, homework, housework, vegetate....
My parents came to be supportive before and after my surgery and the most horrible thing happened. My sister's husband suddenly passed away the same day as my surgery and thankfully my parents were able to travel to Florida to visit with her.
I know my parents were torn between two of their girls in need, but they did the right thing. I would have felt horrible if I was the reason why they could not visit with my sister.
The recovery has been very painful physically and emotionally. I'm in pain, nauseous, hungry and constipated. I'm on a liquid diet for the next 4-6 weeks.
My BF has been doing his best but he has a hard time empathizing or supporting me, he doesn't understand how I feel or what I need from him. He gets frustrated easily and shuts down which causes me great frustration.
Well, I have three more weeks off, time to think, read, homework, housework, vegetate....
16 March 2011
So What? I'm 40. Turns Out.... It's No Big Deal
I had a wonderful weekend celebrating my birthday early. I went out to dinner at my favorite El Paso restaurant with my new boyfriend and my girlfriend and her husband. On Satuday my girlfriend hosted a 40 and Fabulous themed party at my house. Then, Tuesday, March 15th, 2011, came and went without a blip, I had some nice emails, Facebook comments and phone calls from friends and family, I am blessed to have so many people who care about me. I have accepted who I am and that, yes, I am getting older, but that doesn't mean I'm getting "OLD". I think I'm going to love my 40's.
So what have I been doing, I met a man in July, we have been dating ever since. He is kind, Christian, good looking, intelligent, 6', 42 years old, great cook, handy & mechanical, no kids (that's not a requirement), and is head over heals in love with me. Don't sound the church bells just yet.
I ran the Las Cruces Half Marathon and got a personal record, 2:23 in December and the El Paso Half Marathon earlier this month and got a personal worst 2:49. I went to New Orleans for a girlfriends wedding at the end of February, ate and partied well, then went on a swamp tour. I'd like to go back.
Arthur and I are going home to visit my family in Kansas City the first week of April, regretfully the boyfriend can't make it because he just started a new job. I am scheduled to run "Rock the Parkway" on April 2nd in Kansas City, hopefully my family can come root me on.
I'm taking two Master's classes that I consistantly find reasons to procrastinate on the homework. But, I am qualified to graduate this May with one class remaining. I'll knock that out this summer.
I had some goals that I could not complete and may never, (celebacy kinda went out the window). I struggle with ordinary problems. But, I am human, we all struggle. When I fail or fall, I have to wipe the dust and tears and keep moving forward, because that's what I do best.
Some goals for me now that I'm 40:
Quit smoking (I'm on day 2)
Finish my Master's Degree (Graduation is May7th)
Go on a cruise
Watch the entire James Bond series (hopefully in one long weekend)
Bring in my girlfriend's 30th birthday
Learn macramé
Visit my Great Aunt in Australia
Visit Alaska
Go on a Holy Land Tour
Free fall skydive
The list will grow, I won't finish them all this year, and I'm sure there are some other things that I'll want to do.
I've been remiss in blogging, but the theme of the blog is 40 and happier, I still have nine years in my 40s. Then it will have to be 50 and happier. =)
And yes, I am 40 and I've never been happier.
So what have I been doing, I met a man in July, we have been dating ever since. He is kind, Christian, good looking, intelligent, 6', 42 years old, great cook, handy & mechanical, no kids (that's not a requirement), and is head over heals in love with me. Don't sound the church bells just yet.
I ran the Las Cruces Half Marathon and got a personal record, 2:23 in December and the El Paso Half Marathon earlier this month and got a personal worst 2:49. I went to New Orleans for a girlfriends wedding at the end of February, ate and partied well, then went on a swamp tour. I'd like to go back.
Arthur and I are going home to visit my family in Kansas City the first week of April, regretfully the boyfriend can't make it because he just started a new job. I am scheduled to run "Rock the Parkway" on April 2nd in Kansas City, hopefully my family can come root me on.
I'm taking two Master's classes that I consistantly find reasons to procrastinate on the homework. But, I am qualified to graduate this May with one class remaining. I'll knock that out this summer.
I had some goals that I could not complete and may never, (celebacy kinda went out the window). I struggle with ordinary problems. But, I am human, we all struggle. When I fail or fall, I have to wipe the dust and tears and keep moving forward, because that's what I do best.
Some goals for me now that I'm 40:
Quit smoking (I'm on day 2)
Finish my Master's Degree (Graduation is May7th)
Go on a cruise
Watch the entire James Bond series (hopefully in one long weekend)
Bring in my girlfriend's 30th birthday
Learn macramé
Visit my Great Aunt in Australia
Visit Alaska
Go on a Holy Land Tour
Free fall skydive
The list will grow, I won't finish them all this year, and I'm sure there are some other things that I'll want to do.
I've been remiss in blogging, but the theme of the blog is 40 and happier, I still have nine years in my 40s. Then it will have to be 50 and happier. =)
And yes, I am 40 and I've never been happier.
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