I don't need a man, I need a champion...

I don't want anything less than the best, the best for me, my best, may not be the same as someone else's best.  I want a man that loves me as much as I love him.  I want him to encourage me as much as I encourage him.  I want him to have as much ambition for me as I have for him.  Someone that is a champion for L.O.V.E.   I wish I could put this into words without sounding like a crazy girl.  I will champion for someone that is a champion for me, not because of a obligation, but because of wanting the best for each other...  That's an element of Love with the capital "L".

List of ten things to do in lieu of Homework

1.   Search for long lost elementary school friends on Facebook
2.   Watch a Married With Children 24 hour marathon on TV
3.   Clean the grout in the shower
4.   Pull weeds by hand from the grass
5.   Shop for rare Indian spices on the internet
6.   Organize my coat closet
7.   Rent a steam cleaner and clean the carpets
8.   Paint my dog's toenails
9.   Bake a cake
10.  Try and master the art of liquid eyeliner to look like Kat Von D

The other side of the story

How come when people meet someone and hear their story about divorce, it always seems like it was clearly the other person's fault and the person you are speaking to was clearly jilted.

In my case, I firmly believe that I did everything I could to try and foster a happy marriage that was irreconcilable.

I rarely meet someone that I don't feel sorry for the situation they were dealt in marriage.  I think it's because society's general belief is that marriage is sacred and any marriage that dissolves is a tragedy, no mater what side they are on.  But, there are always two sides to every story.

I kinda want to know what the other side of the story is; especially the other side of my story.

Being Straight

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but dating is hard.  It's even harder as a Christian, which is exponentially harder if you are trying to be celibate.  Even Christian men do not feel like waiting.  They do not want to take the time to see if there is something there, something more than sex.  

I love sex, I am not bragging when I say that I'm amazing at sex, well, I have an amazing time and it seems as though men enjoy me.  But, in today's society, we all want it now, try it on first without the commitment.  

I want the next time I have sex to be mind blowing fantastic... because it is a shared gift with my husband.  I want sex to be reserved for one man.  Like the Song of Solomon, I want it to be sensual.

I do not want to have casual sex, I've tried that, it made me feel horrible about myself and it rarely ever turned into a real relationship.  So I believe the goal for these men was to conquer another one.  The more I've been dating lately, the more I become more steadfast in this ideal, because when it does not turn out the way I would have liked, it is easier to let go, I'm not as heartbroken.

Okay, so I may never get married again, I guess that's okay, because right now, I'm in no hurry to get married... But I want to someday, to someone that loves me.

Till then, I still have a bunch of good things about being single.  (See previous post) 

The stool is not big enough for two

Sunday's message at church was about commitment.  I realize I have difficulty with commitment (commitment issues) in my walk.  I get gung-ho and then I take my eyes off.  Like when Peter got out of the boat, HE WAS WALKING ON WATER!!!!  Look what you can do if you have faith, trust and keep your eyes on Him.  I get in the way of myself, I think I have to intervene in what He is doing in my life. 

They showed a video, that was so revealing.  It was a woman with a stool and Jesus.  She told Jesus He could sit on the stool and make her decisions.  But, then when her friend came along, she quickly sat on the stool and committed to doing what her friend wanted.  Then Jesus asked her, if she wanted the stool back so she could be in control and she apologetically offered the stool back to Him.  Then when He sat on the stool, and she was confronted with decisions she started to try and find a way onto the stool in conjunction with Jesus.  Eventually she was hanging around His back, piggyback style, trying to provide her input to the decision making process.  Jesus kept offering the stool back but she refused and finally Jesus asked her to make up her mind.

I know we all do this, I am an expert at taking back control, I offer it away, then try and take it back after I have given it up.  I have to look at what Jesus is capable of doing in my life if I keep my eyes on Him.  Maybe one day I will be able to walk on water.

Advantages of being single

Just a few reasons why it's good to be single.

1.  I can come home when ever I want
2.  I can go where ever, with who ever I want
3.  I can talk on the phone to who I want for as long as I want
4.  I am in control of the remote
5.  I can save or spend as I like, I want shoes, I get shoes
6.  I can cook (or not) and eat a meal without meat
7.  I can spread out in the bed and use as many (or few) covers as I want
8.  I can go see chick flicks as soon as they come out
9.  I can call a repairman to fix or install things, or just do it myself
10.  I have gal pals and my moma

Book Review..... "No Sex in the City" by Lindsey N. Isham

For something new, I just finished a book written by Lindsey N. Isham, No Sex in the City; One Virgin's Confession on Love, Lust, Dating, and Waiting. Very well written and challenging for a woman, me, who is trying to start a new way of life. I have every mental intent to be abstinent until I remarry (if ever). The problem is, as Lindsey so eloquently explains, society doesn't live that way anymore.

When I tell men that I intend to wait, they don't call again or look at me like I have three eyes.

The interesting thing about her book is that she is a beautiful, gorgeous thirty something who is fighting societal norms to follow Gods advise for relationships and seeks His ways for selecting a mate. She provides her tips on finding a Godly mate and how to date without compromising her morals. It is a short, quick read, written with a witty humor and based on Biblical principals. I applaud Lindsey for her courage of convictions and the mental fortitude to live outside of societal norms. She challenges society to approach relationships with God colored glasses versus rose colored glasses.

The largest challenge from living this type of life is the small percentage of men who live a Christian life, then finding one who you are compatible with who could potentially be a mate. Many say they are "Christian" but they are not walking a Christian walk. Reading Lindsey's book has bolstered my courage to continue to try to live in abstinence.

Just a crush...

Why do I so completely fall for silver tongued devils? I think I trust too easily and if I am guarded, I'm accused of blaming "him" for all my past relationship mistakes. How do you not keep your guard up so you don't get burned again?

Why do you wear a seatbelt? You know you are a good driver right, you just don't know about anyone else on the roads. That is why one must have some type of personal protective gear in relationships.

There are clues I'm looking for to determine if I am dating the right guy. The thing is, men will date a woman until something better comes along, women who go on more than three dates think the man is relationship material.

Another thing is, men regret the women they didn't, women regret the men they did. I'm tired of having regrets.

So what doesn't work for me:

Angry, porn addicted, non-Christian, insensitive, road raging, indecisive, lying, cheating, booger/scab eating, lazy men... I should be able to find one without these character flaws right?

If not, I'm better off without one.

Love

What is love in relationships? Is love unique? Can it be had with anyone? So far, for me, love has only been for a season. Of course, I loved my Ex's, apparently I thought I could not live without them, I thought we were good matches.

I have had one love, that I think will be through all time, but that can never be.

What if I'm in love right now, how can I differentiate it from a crush? What if the person is everything you you ever wanted in a man? What if you are happier than you thought you could be?

I think my mind plays tricks on me, "well, I've been here before and it didn't work out", am I really feeling what I'm feeling or is this some sick mind game happening in my head. How can I trust what I'm feeling? How do you know? At what point do you just let go and trust the feelings of the moment?

Far Away

Why do I feel so far away from what I want most?

Lately, I have been feeling so far away from God. I have always felt a general sense of His Presence or the Holy Spirit, even when I was most undeserving and hiding in the darkness.

I feel like I am checking off the list of Godly things to do (if there were a list, I know there is not one.) I pray, surround my self with Christian friends, go to Church & Bible Studies. Talked to my girlfriend about why I feel so disconnected from Him.

I have not tithed in well over a year, I feel bad about that. I can afford it now, I couldn't in the past, I do feel like that is keeping me at arms length. To be honest, I have not been prayerfully reading my Bible, except in rare circumstances.

I have to find a way to cut out time to spend in HIS presence, then maybe HE will spend time in mine.