Far Away

Why do I feel so far away from what I want most?

Lately, I have been feeling so far away from God. I have always felt a general sense of His Presence or the Holy Spirit, even when I was most undeserving and hiding in the darkness.

I feel like I am checking off the list of Godly things to do (if there were a list, I know there is not one.) I pray, surround my self with Christian friends, go to Church & Bible Studies. Talked to my girlfriend about why I feel so disconnected from Him.

I have not tithed in well over a year, I feel bad about that. I can afford it now, I couldn't in the past, I do feel like that is keeping me at arms length. To be honest, I have not been prayerfully reading my Bible, except in rare circumstances.

I have to find a way to cut out time to spend in HIS presence, then maybe HE will spend time in mine.

Gal Pals

I love my gal pals! Women in your life come and go, but right now I have a group I am especially fond of. We make a point of trying to get together and just do something girly. Last night we had some new gals in the group, they blended perfectly, I mean, why wouldn't they? We went to eat a lovely dinner and to see Sex and the City 2. We dressed in our glittery best and boy, we turned a few heads ;) It was fun, I love just sitting around and talking to the girls. It is so crucial to a woman's well being to have gal pals. I have some amazing ones.

An Amazing Life

I want an amazing life, I want to be proud of myself and my actions. I've been really thinking about how I will be held accountable at the end and although I am forgiven, I don't want anything else to be ashamed of. I know I will fail in many ways, but I want to be the best person I can be.

The good thing is I am very happy right now.... there are two potential reasons, or maybe they are combined... I don't want to share right now...

High Hopes

So what are the dating rules. Kissing on the first date? Is it okay for a girl to call after the first date? One of the guys at work says all those rules are "Games" girls play and that it could be confused as being on the "expressway to friendville". But, really, do I want to be with a guy that won't call me because I didn't kiss? Or does a guy think that I'm not interested because I don't kiss? Dating is hard.

If he want's to see or talk to me he will, right?

Down in the Dumps

I have really been busy the last few weeks. My Great Aunt and Uncle from Australia came and stayed with me last weekend, I have been behind on homework, going out with girlfriends, chatting with them on the phone. How is it that I can be so busy and still be so deep in the dumps? I can't see the forrest through the trees, I know, this too shall pass, I'll be a better person for having experienced it. It all sounds so cliche, I know it is true, but, I don't like it. I don't really have anything else to say right now.

Mothers Day

When I was a young girl I loved everything there was to love about dolls & Barbies. I loved dressing them, bathing them, feeding them, playing with them, play dates with them. I always imagined I'd grow up and be a mom. Just like my mom. My mom is a fierce protector of her girls. When I was a child she'd stay up all night with me at the hospital. And my favorite mommy time is the nights in the recliners chatting all night about everything and nothing while watching TV infomercials, classic movies, HGTV or the Food Network until past two in the morning.

Being the youngest of five girls gave me lots of opportunities to play part time mommy (Aunt) to many nieces and nephews, who most have children of their own now.

I always had a feeling that I may not be able to have kids. I used to talk about this with my High School sweetheart. Now, I have tried many times over the years to get pregnant and done little to prevent pregnancy with my ex-husbands. It caused a lot of stress for me and my first husband, I got a little obsessed with it, sought doctor assistance. We got divorced before we tried anything invasive. I never tried that hard with my second husband, he was not that interested in it. On top of that, we could never find that happy place, as a couple, that I'd want to bring a baby into. He already had his beautiful little girl, who lived with her mom, that I played part time mom with for two weeks every summer, and every other Christmas and Spring Breaks and I still love her with all my heart.

Now, I have very little hope of getting pregnant with my age and relationship status. I have been diagnosed as peri-menopausal, there's a blow to a woman fighting to stay young!

So, I woke up alone this morning, no one to jump on the bed and shower me with hugs and kisses declaring their love to me and my brilliance as a mother, no burnt toast or kitchen disaster to clean up. Just me and... Arthur, LOL, he did wake me up to tell me he was sick and needed to go outside!

I am skipping church today, because I don't want to get a carnation pinned to my shirt just because I am a woman of an age that could be a mom that and today's message is supposed to be about how a woman can be a better wife. The follow up from last weeks message, I walked out on, about how men can be better husbands.

Happy Mothers Day!

Moving on

I struggle sometimes, trying to move on. It is not because I miss him, it is because I miss what I thought I had. A make believe world of what I created in my head. I always imagined that he'd come around.

I went to church today, as I do on most Sundays, the pastor is doing a series on relationships. Today he talked about what the Husbands role in the marriage is biblically. I tried to sit there, the longer I sat there the more I felt like I was in a prison. Gulping for air, my eyes darted around trying to figure out how I'd get out of the full auditorium without being noticed. There was no way of sneaking out. I finally grabbed by coat, purse and helmet and shuffled out, of course I was sitting towards the front. I had to walk past all those rows of people looking at me. How embarrassing. I scuttled up the stairs to the Divorce Care class, I quietly joined the circle of people talking about how divorce has financially impacted them. These people understand me. I did not participate in the discussion. But, this was a far better place for me than that auditorium encouraging marriages to work where I was mortified that I could not figure out how to make mine work. Next week is the wife's role in the marriage. I think I will skip that lesson too.

The man I met last Sunday at Mulligans was a wash, apparently we are looking for different things and I'm not that kinda girl. I've met another one, we'll see.

Old Flames

I have a friend that is toying with the idea of reuniting with her ex. I can understand the desire. I have been there myself, how can I blame her. If she, or any of my friends chooses to reunite with someone, who is it for me to say. I care about my friend and her happiness, but will not risk losing a friend because we disagree about who her mate should be.

Some of the things I remind myself of when I toy with the idea of reuniting with my ex are:

Has he changed, like he promised a thousand times?

Will I feel safe about our relationship if we were together?

Would I trust him not to break my trust?

Would I have to worry about walking around on egg shells?

Would he ever be happy at work? Happy at home?

Would he stop revealing his true nature and embarrassing me in public, in front of my family or friends?

Does he really want me? or is he just lonely too?

Really I could go on and on, but I think my point is clear.

I have to caveat all the change requests with the fact that the things I wanted him to change were unhealthy in ANY relationship. Not something like too much sports or changing the oil in the car. I did not marry the guy I dated, if I'd known the way he was when we dated, I would have never married him. I can't think of too many women who would. No man is going to change his essence. He can hide it for a short while, but it is always lingering there... waiting. A person has to have a serious emotionally life changing event occur in order to really change who they are.

I am better off without him. But, I forget that, when I am lonely, that's where the reminders come in. But my friend, who is toying with the idea.... make sure it is what you really want.

On my own

It is really weird being here in El Paso, so far away from my family. You'd think living here for nearly five years that I'd have more friends. When you have a husband you don't really need friends, and the friends you do have are based on a "couple" relationship. Being in the military, your other friends move or you move. Once in a while you make friends that last. Friends that you will hop on a plane and visit. I am so thankful for those friends.

Many of my current local friends don't understand it when I say that I'm lonely. They are like come over... but it is not that simple. I do really like being at home, usually don't mind that I'm alone. But, it is hard not having a gal pal local that I can confide in, the things you only tell your deepest friends and we provide words of encouragement to each other, then we say F it, go do something.... I know, sounds weird.

So, I have been searching for a roommate and that has not been going well. Had my first perspective option come by today. I don't think she was that interested, we'll see.

I hoped on my bike this afternoon and rode up to the local biker bar/restaurant. Met a couple of fellas, one said crass things like "I like to watch you eat your french fries" then gave me his card, uh, buddy, no! The next fella was really quite interesting and we seemed seemingly compatible. He asked for my number... we'll see.

Fishy Pedi

I did not know it but getting a rare fish pedicure was on my list. It is now checked off too. It was so weird and TICKLED so bad! And on top of that, I got my first pedicure since I don't remember when. Really, I had a good day, I have made a new gal pal, too bad she lives so far away! We went to the local mall and had a great time storming all the stores. We tried on all the perfumes in all the stores, believe me we smelled good and strong. I need to get more gal pals in my life.
I posted a craigslist classified searching for a roommate. Wish me luck.
I have finally finished my personal list of Hottest Guys:
Mathew McConaughey
Jude Law
Justin Timberlake
Gerard Butler
Bradley Cooper

Mmmmmm, Delicious!